Words, like ghosts, can haunt you forever
Always think twice before saying anything disrespectful, snarky, sarcastic, or making a joke at someone else’s expense, because once it’s said, it can’t be unsaid. Once you say something mean or hurtful, you cannot take it back. It hangs in the air, stinking things up, for months or even years. Those nasty words will live on in everyone’s memory. You will have to live with the memory of that awful thing you said, as will the person you said it to.
The permanence of ugly words cannot be overstated. Such is the power of words. You can apologize, but be warned, that hideous thing you said will live on, haunting you like ghost, for the rest of your life. I have a few of these ghosts, things I said in my 20s that were awful, that I can’t unsay and that I will never forget. And the person that was on the receiving end likely never forgot the ugliness of my words either.
That includes hurtful jokes made at someone else's expense. We often equate charm with a sense of humor, but be careful with your jokes and sarcasm. Sometimes in an effort to be funny, we put someone down. We’re funny, yes, but at someone else’s expense. In that moment being funny was more important than sparing someone’s feelings. We’ve all known those funny people who jokingly put everyone down. We may laugh, even though they’re not being nice, because if there wasn’t some truth to what they said, it wouldn’t have been funny. Never make a joke at someone else’s expense, a put-down is still a put-down, even if it’s disguised as a joke. Furthermore, a racist joke, is still racist. You are still hurting someone’s feelings unnecessarily. You make think your appeal is your sense of humor, but the mean, crass, nasty jokes that worked in high school don’t go over so well in the real world. They worked in high school because you were all a bunch of immature little brats — you were 16-year-old mean girls! Making fun of others is what kids do, not mature adults.
Be especially careful with your words on social media. Just because others are using foul language and hurling ugly insults at each other does not mean it’s okay and it does not mean that we all should be doing this. Right now, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok and other social media platforms are like the internet’s version of the Wild West — uncivilized, lawless, unregulated, filled with bad guys, cattle rustlers, bandits, and outlaws! We all need to do better, to demand better, and return to polite society at some point. All of this abusive ugly language on social media is not normal and should not be normalized. Don’t go on social media unless you can nice and respectful. The last thing we all need is more mean, nasty, self-righteous, and ugly comments on Twitter and other sites.
In real life, it’s tempting to try to one-up a family member, a sibling, or your parents, or try to bring someone back down to earth. Keep in mind that it’s not your place or your job to “police” family members and it serves no purpose. Don’t get caught up in this family game. It’s dysfunctional. Instead, just try being nice. Remember, once you say something nasty or negative to a family member — someone you supposedly love — you can’t un-say it. Furthermore, don’t be the one in the family who always has to be right about everything and is the authority on every subject. You will just end up looking like a jerk. Instead, focus on having good relationships.
We all do better in life when we make the effort to be positive and charming, rather than trying to be right, or putting people in their place by being “clever” and sarcastic. You just have to bite your tongue once in a while, sweetie! It’s harder with family members because of all that emotional baggage and sibling rivalries, but having good relationships with your parents, your siblings or your children is so much more important than winning an argument.
The same is true with your friends, co-workers, romantic partners, and even social media connections. Focus on having positive, healthy, meaningful relationships. Try to be more mature, more polite, and more charming! For goodness sake, just be nice!
Rebecca Pavlik is the author of Time to Break Some Rules, Sweetie! a humorous advice book for young women. For more details and to view on Amazon click here.