Stop Being So Judgmental, Sweetie!
If you want to be charming, stop judging!
Not only is it not your place to judge, but it’s a dangerous habit because your assumptions will be wrong the majority of the time. The hardest thing to do is to not judge people, to ignore stereotypes, labels and outer appearances.
Not judging takes practice — lots of practice. We tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to people who look different, dress different, have different lifestyles, religions, are way more successful or way less successful, or spend their money on things we would never spend money on — basically anyone choosing to live their life differently than us, in a way we don’t quite understand.
We all judge. We don’t mean to do it, we just do. It’s harmless, right? No sweetie, it’s actually quite harmful. It’s why our country is so divided as I write this. It’s why people on Twitter are so hateful and abusive, why there is racism, sexism, agism, and all kinds of negative stereotypes.
Judging is not one of the seven deadly sins, but perhaps it should be. It ranks right up there with greed, envy and wrath. If you are not an actual judge, sitting in a courtroom and wearing a black robe, it’s not your place to judge! In fact, I suspect that real judges are far less judgmental than the rest of us.
Sometimes we assume that people who grew up in the same town, or are the same age, the same race or socio-economic background must feel and think the way we do about most things, but even that is a wrong assumption — we really don’t know most people very well. We can’t tell by looking at someone what they’ve been through in life, what personal issues they struggle with, how much money they have in their bank account, how educated they are, or much else for that matter. The least we can do is get to know someone before we judge them! At least that makes a little more sense (just kidding).
Before you make assumptions and start judging, try to keep an open mind and approach others with a certain amount of empathy. People make questionable choices (or what seems questionable to us) for all kinds of reasons, based on the knowledge they possess at that time. Some people are simply uninformed about certain issues — so don’t judge, don’t be disrespectful. I myself have been woefully uniformed and ignorant about many important issues — we all are.
Instead of forming an opinion about someone based on their appearance, career choice, their religious or political beliefs, or other lifestyle choices, let them tell you, and more importantly, show you who they truly are. Some people you might dismiss are far more intelligent and interesting than you’d ever imagine, even though they don’t initially seem cool by your standards, or don’t seem to share similar interests or values. People from all walks of life have fascinating stories and can surprise you in ways you hadn’t even thought of.
In social situations, and in life, the most charming people tend to be non-judgmental. Charming people don’t judge, instead they exude warmth and acceptance. When we’re around them we feel like they are kind and accepting, that they like us, and that they are not judging us. They are warm and fuzzy as opposed to cold and prickly. Smiling is the one social cue that helps with this, but I hate telling women to smile. However, if you’re in a social situation where you would like to appear charming and approachable, then smile you must. Being charming is how you make others feel when they’re around you, and you cannot be accepting and judgmental at the same time.
So give it a try. Try being totally accepting of others. Try going a week without judging people. Actually, instead, try going just one day without judging people (including yourself). Like I said, it takes practice.
Rebecca Pavlik is the author of Time to Break Some Rules, Sweetie! a humorous advice book for young women. For more details and to view on Amazon click here.