This epiphany actually came to me a bit later in life, but eventually I figured it out — that no good ever comes from arguing, only hurt feelings and burned bridges. I seriously doubt that anyone will find you clever and charming in the midst of an argument, no matter how cute you are, dear.
Even worse, arguments can kill relationships. Arguments can get your fired. Once something is said in the heat of an argument, you can’t ever really take it back. You can’t hit the “undo” button. And trust me, no one really believes you when you pathetically try to retract your hurtful words with, “I didn’t really mean it.” The damage is done. Leave arguing to drunks, belligerent fools, and the unemployed. You will thank me later for this one, sweetie.
Also, it may not have occurred to you, but you cannot ever truly win an argument. You rarely ever change someone’s point of view. I’m sure you’ve experienced this on Twitter or Facebook. We’re all stubborn and we all think we’re right. Trying to convince someone of your point of view is a waste of time. The person you’re arguing with will never admit that you’re right and that they are wrong. Briefly and politely stating your point of view is one thing (if you must), but trying to convince your ignorant redneck bubba cousin to see things the way you see them is a waste of time.
There is always a way to get your point across without arguing. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “You may be right, but I prefer….” or, “Well, that may be, but I feel like…..” You can even say, “Hmmmm, that’s one way to look at it.” But never tell someone they’re wrong and then try to explain for the next twenty minutes why they’re wrong. For heaven’s sake, you’ll start an argument!
A classy person, a charming person, will always find ways to de-escalate heated discussions and potential arguments. Truly clever and charming people are experts at changing the subject. They simply don’t engage with argumentative people. I love the saying by Mark Twain, “Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”
I had my “never argue with anyone” epiphany a few years ago after a particularly heinous argument with my brother, who I was visiting in Colorado. We got into the worst argument we’d ever had as grown-ups. It was a very stressful time. I was visiting because my stepmother was dying of cancer and I was also out of work. I had moved back to Los Angeles after living in Santa Fe, New Mexico for five years and could not find a job to save my life. I worked in the entertainment industry but after being away for five years most of my connections had dried up. I was also a bit older which doesn’t help in Hollywood. Anyway, we got into a discussion about my lack of finding a job, which turned into an argument that lasted (I’m not exaggerating) for about three or four hours.
He thought he could “motivate” me with tough love, or yelling at me like a football coach or Chris Farley’s motivational speaker Matt Foley on Saturday Night Live. Of course, all of this made me extremely defensive and I felt the need to come up with hundreds of reasons as to why I didn’t have a job, and at the same time put him in his place. I’ve never had an argument last so long. For some reason, neither one of us could walk away and end it. Normally, we are both pretty reasonable people, but this argument took on a life of its own.
It’s almost laughable now (not really), but it was horrible then. We both said things and acted in a way that we regretted the next day. It was not my finest moment, it was certainly not his. For me, it was the argument to end all arguments.
The next morning, embarrassed by my behavior and his, the only thing I was convinced of was that arguing with anyone about anything is a waste of time. What had we accomplished, with all of our self-righteousness, clever put-downs and posturing? Nothing. This long, drawn out argument had resolved nothing. Nothing even remotely positive came out of this.
The futile nature of this epic argument resulted in my glorious epiphany. I swore I would never argue with anyone ever again, for any reason. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much this made sense. I mean, what had arguing ever gotten me? How often do we accomplish anything good by arguing with someone? An argument usually just ends up with hurt feelings and people having to apologize to one another, at best. At worst, you can end up losing a friend or killing a relationship.
Therefore darling, learn to de-escalate a situation or potential argument. Teachers and police officers (well, some police officers) learn how to diffuse tense situations and de-escalate arguments. Being combative and argumentative will not serve you well in life. Instead, try being agreeable, positive, calm, and wise. Try just listening instead of arguing. Your attitude will be appreciated and admired by everyone.
Happy people don’t argue much. Evolved people don’t argue — have you ever seen a Buddhist monk argue with someone? Do you think the Dalai Lama argues with people? Charming and confident people don’t feel the need to argue. They don’t have anything to prove.
Rebecca Pavlik is the author of Time to Break Some Rules, Sweetie! a humorous advice book for young women. For more details and to view on Amazon click here.