Have We Lost the Art of Conversation?
To meet more people (and be more charming), practice the art of conversation!
Charming people are incredibly good at making conversation, saying the right thing, saying nice things, being witty without hurting anyone’s feelings, agreeing with people, being current on pop culture and being well read. Charming people are usually friendly and outgoing. They're good at acknowledging others and starting conversations. They have a way of putting other people at ease, especially in awkward situations.
Some people seem to have a natural gift for conversation and small talk, but for the rest of us, it’s a skill that can be learned. Yes, my darlings, you can do this. Besides, how are you ever going to have a “meet cute” if you can’t muster a simple conversation with a stranger?
I’ll admit, the art of conversation is a little harder for extremely shy people because it’s hard for us to be outgoing enough to talk to strangers. But once you start doing it, you’ll realize it’s not hard at all. In fact, it’s fun and it’s a normal part of everyday life — talking to other humans — whether at the store, the gym, or the park.
To start, just say something — anything. Comment on something obvious like the weather, their cute dog, your football team’s big win, their cool hat or crazy shoes. Ask people a question. Questions are good because the person has to answer you and it gets them talking. Most people will appreciate your friendliness. Once in a while you’ll get someone who isn’t in the mood for chit-chat, but that’s okay, don’t take it personally. Don’t let a few unfriendly slugs stop you from becoming the outgoing, talkative, charming person you were meant to be!
I’ve always been shy and quiet and when I was young never talked to strangers at the grocery store or parties or anywhere. But when I was in my 30s I started dating someone who would always talk to strangers, every time we went out, or just about anywhere we were. He was quick-witted and could always come up with something clever to say, or make a little joke. I got used to interacting with strangers, even though I was usually just standing next to him while he did the talking. After a while, talking to strangers didn’t seem weird or intrusive, it just seemed normal. Then I started doing it. I’ll admit that I usually wasn’t as smooth or charming as he was, but I got better at it. I also realized that most people were basically nice and happy to strike up a conversation.
Being a good conversationalist can be summed up with one word: questions. All you really need to do to be a good conversationalist is to know how to ask questions. There you have it, in a nutshell! If you ask questions, you will always be considered good at conversation, because that’s what keeps the conversation from dying, the questions. Nothing too personal or too intimate or that falls into the category of “none of your business,” but just nice, normal questions that give the other person a chance to talk about themselves a little — their job, their hobby, their new boyfriend, or their recent trip.
It takes a little practice though. First, you have to get comfortable just talking to people. You have to get comfortable with small talk. In fact, you need to embrace small talk! It’s not that hard. At parties you can always pay someone a compliment, or you can ask how they know the host, or comment on the food or the music. But always try to keep it positive. Don’t complain or be snarky or sarcastic to someone you just met. If you can’t be witty, at least be nice!
The first step to striking up a conversation with a stranger or a cute guy/gal is to smile! Yes, sweetie, if you want to strike up a conversation you need to smile so that people know you’re a nice, positive, friendly person. Smiling and eye contact are social cues that tell the other person you’re open to interacting with them (and that you’re a reasonably pleasant, semi-happy person).
Whatever you do, do not go on and on about yourself. Be a good listener and don’t interrupt the other person while they’re speaking. Ask them questions about themselves or their thoughts on a certain topic. If you find yourself babbling on about yourself, just make light of it and say, “But enough about me,” and then ask them a question. We all babble sometimes. Just try to be aware when you’re the one doing all the talking. If so, chances are you’re boring the other person. It’s no fun standing there silently while someone rambles on about themselves for 15 minutes straight. Good conversations should be like a tennis volley. There should be a steady back-and-forth. It should never be one-sided. Half of being a good conversationalist is just being a good listener.
But at some point, you must actually talk. Come up with a handy list of “go to” questions that work in most situations. Make an innocuous comment on something fairly obvious (as opposed to something weird, obscure, or too personal). This allows you to start a conversation, and the other person will be able to comment because you’re talking about something simple like the weather or the long line, something you both have in common at the moment. Remember, it doesn’t have to be brilliant, it’s just an opener.
Also remember to stay away from touchy subjects like politics, religion or any heated topics that could be controversial or divisive. You can’t always tell just by looking at someone what their political leanings might be. Try to keep the conversation light and positive. Don’t be negative and try not to get too deep. Try to have a deep conversation with a stranger at Starbucks and you might come across as a weirdo. It’s usually not appropriate because you don’t know them, and it’s too intimate. Instead, just ask them if they’ve tried the pumpkin spice latte, which could lead to a deep conversation, you just never know. Sometimes people are more willing to open up to complete strangers. Life is funny that way.
It’s not rocket science, my darlings. Don’t make connecting your fellow man more difficult or complicated than it needs to be. Have fun with it!
#dating #networking #socialgraces #introvert #CharmSchool #advice
Rebecca Pavlik is the author of Time to Break Some Rules, Sweetie! a humorous advice book for young women. For more details and to view on Amazon click here.